The OK Adventures of Peppersloth and Annie

Hello Readers! I apologize that it has been so long, but the last couple of weeks have really hit me. It started with my birthday. See, every year I run on adrenaline from May 1st-11th, but then I wake up on the 12th, and there is a sense of depletion. Even though I continue to celebrate for the whole month, there is definitely a sense of, ‘Oh. It’s over’ and it makes me sad. It feels like everything from that point on is just…forced. My husband continues to try to spoil me, and as I’ve said, I love being spoiled, but it just doesn’t feel the same. So, maybe it is time to rethink Birthday Month. Not cancel, just rethink! Restructure, if you will. Maybe a project for my down time after surgery.

Which leads me to my next thing. My anxiety has been REALLY high ever since the doctor said yes to surgery. I have been running the gauntlet of emotions, and it has just been really difficult to sit with. So, of course, I’ve been avoiding it. But the more I ignore it, the worse I feel. So, let us deal with it. 

Gauntlet One: I’m angry. I’ve been diagnosed with clubfoot and bone spurs. For years, I have felt that there had to be something more to be done than what I was being told. But I was dismissed. ‘Lose weight, you’ll feel better.’ ‘Get orthotics, you’ll be fine.’ ‘You’re too old for surgery. It will just make things worse.’ ‘This is just the way it is, so adapt.’ As a born and raised people pleaser, I went along with it. But, now that I’ve had someone tell me yes, I’m angry. Why did people fight so hard to keep me from this? Why was this not considered thirty years ago? Twenty years ago? Ten years ago? Why? Why wasn’t more research done? Why did no one believe me about how much pain I’ve been in? Why were only band-aids considered? Why didn’t other doctors try to do more? Why are patients who weigh more than 150 lbs condescendingly dismissed? Why is 30+ ‘old’? And why does having medical debt up to your ears give a person license to decide that? Why?

Gauntlet Two: I’m stressed! The idea of having to get my house ready for me to be laid up in bed for two months is stressful. It wasn’t a big deal when I broke my knee because I was the only one who lived there. Not cleaning my house, and eating crap, wasn’t a big deal. But now I’m married. I have a husband and a dog to think about. Should we eat take out? Should I make meals ahead and freeze them? Am I putting too much on my husband by asking him to take over the kitchen for two months? And what, exactly, is he going to do to my kitchen? Will it still be there when I’m mobile again? And what about my dog? Will she get the attention she needs? She’s already depressed. Is this going to make it worse? Should we send her to doggie daycare for two months? And what about the house? Is it clean enough? How much should I try to do before surgery? What do I need to do to set everyone up for success?

Gauntlet Three: I have houbte…that’s hope, mixed with doubt. Or, maybe fepe would be a better word…fear, mixed with hope. What if this works? What if this doesn’t work? The doctor said it takes a year to fully recover from surgery, so it will be January, 2026 before I fully know if this worked. Maybe even longer. It has been 3 1⁄2 years since my knee surgery, and I’m STILL working to strengthen it. If this works, it will completely change my life. I could wear high heels! I could run! Probably not, but it is at least a possibility now! But, if it doesn’t work, where will I be? What happens then? Is this worth the time commitment? Am I ready for the time commitment? Is my husband ready for the time commitment? I mean, we had only been dating a month when I broke my knee, and he saw me through that. But we weren’t living together at the time. He wasn’t responsible for my wellbeing. He could get up and leave and go eat tacos. He did that once, but I’m clearly over it 3 ½ years later. 

Gauntlet Four: I’m excited! My husband is taking FMLA, which means he will be home with me for the first few weeks! I have a bell, and a ‘No’ button all ready to go for my free servant! Just kidding…mostly! But I really am excited for him to be home with me. He works a lot, and doesn’t get very much time off, so we value it when he does. I’m thankful when he gets REAL rest time, and I love when we get to be at home together. I’m looking forward to the memories we will create through this experience. We already made one! So, part of this surgery will be not being able to bear weight for eight weeks on my surgery foot. So, the other night, at 11pm, (because, when else would this occur to me) I decided that I needed to practice getting out of bed on my non-surgery foot. Jerrad was VERY excited to be part of this process…and by that I mean, he rolled his eyes and called me crazy for thinking of this at 11pm.  I think he should have thanked me because I could have tried it during the day when he was at work! Anyway, I made him be my ‘walker’, and stand in front of me so I could pull myself up and hobble a few steps. We will have to do some rearranging in our room, but it wasn’t terrible! The biggest problem is my left knee, my surgery knee. Pulling myself up on it is difficult, but I have six months before that has to happen, so I’ll just have to work hard to get it where I need it. 

Gauntlet Five: I’m worried. I’m worried for myself, and my body. I’m worried that ‘We had a good run!’ (no, really that’s what I will be saying) will be the last thing I ever say to my husband before they wheel me away. I’m worried that I will do something to mess up the surgeon’s work. I’m worried that I can’t handle this. 

Gauntlet Six: I’m tired. I’m tired of the pain. I’m tired of the emotions. I’m tired of people telling me that I’m wrong. I’m tired of fighting for something that I shouldn’t have had to fight for. 

Six Impossible Gauntlets. Run them, Annie. (Burton, 2010)