The OK Adventures of Peppersloth and Annie

Happy Birthday Month to me! Every year, I give myself a Birthday Month, and every year, someone asks ‘Why?’ ‘Aren’t you a little old for that?’ First of all, you’re only as old as you feel, and (as long as I do zero physical activity), I feel 17-years-old! Second, I do what I want! Twice, if you tell me not to. But, what is the real reason? Why do I put so much effort into this, especially at 35 years of age? Is it because I promised my dad I’d never grow up? Is it because I have four brothers, and often felt left out as a child? Or, is it because I’m a weirdo who insists on marching to the beat of my own drum?  Or maybe I’m just selfish and self-centered? Or is there more? 

In 2011, I was part of a church plant in Gahanna, OH. EPIC Church was one of the best experiences of my life! I loved every second of it, and I thought I’d be there forever. But, in January 2015, it all started to change. Several months before, a prominent member of our church died from cancer. He was just a few years older than I am now. He left behind a wife and three daughters. It was awful. In January, his widow took half of our church, and left. I had never been through a church split before. All of a sudden, everything that I had worked so hard for was slipping away. People that I thought would be in my life for forever, now wanted nothing to do with me. Everything felt very out of my control. And then May came. I was turning twenty-seven that year. And I thought…an extended birthday. That’s what I need. I’m tired of being sad, and I want to be happy again. So, I celebrated for 27 days! It wasn’t planned, like I plan now. I just found something small to celebrate life every day. And Birthday Month was born!

Two years later, on May 10th, 2017, a close friend made the decision to end her pain. My birthday is May 11th, and I found out that Natalie was gone on May 12th. Suddenly, in the middle of celebrating, life stopped. I remember standing in the grocery store, and not being able to remember what I like to eat. I remember buying cans of tuna, but I have no memory of eating it. I remember thinking, ‘Why her? It could just as easily have been me.’ I couldn’t finish celebrating, when everything inside me was screaming. But I fought back. I started going to therapy. I finished Birthday Month six months later. And, somehow, made it to another May. I didn’t want to celebrate. I wanted nothing to do with it. How could I celebrate, when it felt like my birthday was marred by death? So, I turned to the only thing that made sense to me. ‘Alice in Wonderland’ has always been one of my favorite stories, and the new movies had just come out. I also found out that May is Mental Health Awareness Month. I doubt Natalie knew that, but God did. Between the two, May became about being honest about Mental Health, and the importance of addressing it. It became less about celebrating, and more about awareness of something, and someone, that I cared about. 

As the years have slipped by, and I cannot believe that it has been six years already, Natalie’s death has become easier to deal with. I can talk about her, without falling apart. I can look at her picture, and not feel like I let her down. Every year, I change my profile picture to the only one I have of us, and I think about her. What would she say about my life? About the choices that I’ve made since she left? Then I get angry. She didn’t ask my opinion on her choices! Why should I care about what she might think? And then I get sad because she’s not here to have those conversations. But every year, this thought process gets a little easier. I get a little less angry, and a little less sad. This year was the first year that it didn’t hurt at all when I changed my profile picture. Jerrad asked me if Natalie would have liked him, and I was able to answer without sadly dwelling. Yes, I think she would have liked him. I think she would be happy that I am happy. I think she would think it’s stupid that I’m living in Oklahoma, but other than that, I think she would be very happy for me. 

This year, I decided to focus less on mental health, and more on what Natalie taught me. Natalie was a really creative person. She loved learning new things. She talked me into a lot of things that I never would have done on my own. Like drinking coffee at 10:30 pm, and then jumping into a pool at midnight. Or modge podging some jars…I have no idea what happened to those things. She wanted to do whatever she wanted to do, whether it made sense or not, and whether she was actually good at something or not. I’ve never been that person. If I can’t do something, or if someone is better at something than me, I don’t want to do it. I won’t even try. This year, I decided that I was going to do something every day that I either wasn’t good at, or that made me uncomfortable, or that was new. I’ve embraced a lot of things, especially arts and crafts. I’ve always hated arts and crafts. Now, it’s my new favorite thing. I’m considering going after the walls in our house next! The point is that I don’t let lack of talent, or anything else, stop me from doing something that might just end up being a lot of fun. I don’t let the fear of being terrible keep me from trying. And I think that it is the best way to not only remember Natalie, but also it is the best way to live my life. 

So, why do I Birthday Month? Because I’m alive. Because I fought a war and won. And, yes, because I do what I want. Happy Birthday Month to me!