The OK Adventures of Peppersloth and Annie

 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil.  For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm.Eph 6:10-13

For those of you that don’t know, I am currently in the hospital with blood clots in my left leg, as well as my lungs. The doctors have no idea where these clots are physically from. There does not appear to be a direct, obvious cause. They will go in on Monday, and surgically fix the one in my leg, and then I will be on blood thinners to dissolve the ones in my lungs. And while I may be physically ill…lucky to be alive is what they actually tell me…I don’t feel it at all. Throughout this whole process, I’ve had, maybe, five minutes of ‘What the hell is happening?!’ For the most part, none of this has phased me. None of this has shaken me…although the blood draws every six hours have definitely left me feeling like a victim of Dracula’s, in a hospital gown. When my husband and I were in the ER, listening to the doctor’s diagnosis, my only thought was, ‘Fight me, Satan.’ 

Since 2019, I have faced harassing coworkers, manipulative pastors, and fake relationships. I moved across the country to a place I’d been to three times, and knew only one person. I took a job I wasn’t qualified for, and I built a life for myself. I took over a classroom, and ran it with no help from anyone. And then, on top of everything else, I broke my knee. Honestly, a few blood clots is nothing. So, fight me.

People keep saying how ‘life altering’ this is, and commenting on ‘how scary’ it must be. The nurses keep saying how well I’m doing, ‘all things considered’. The hospital chaplain came in and said, ‘You don’t act sick. Why are you here?’ I don’t feel sick, so I’m not going to act sick. It isn’t that I don’t believe my diagnoses. I’m not in denial about it. And I’m not praying it away because I believe that, if God brought me to it, He will lead me through it. This isn’t life altering because that would mean that God didn’t intend for it to happen. Whether He did, or didn’t, He allowed it. And, if I trust God like I say I do, then I have to trust that there is a reason. So, fight me.

Honestly, I believe God allowed this so that I could take a moment and really see how far I have come since 2019. How much I’ve grown, how much I’ve changed, and how much perseverance I really have. My therapist has been trying to get me to see how much better my life is, compared to two and a half years ago. And, in theory, I can see it when I’m sitting in that little room with her. I can see it when we talk it through or I’m doing the homework she gives me. Logically, I can see it. But now? Now, I feel unphased by everything that Satan has tried to throw at me. You want to work your way up in a company by stepping on everyone? Be my guest. You want to run a church by manipulating everyone around you? Have fun. You want to use me to be able to whore with a guy? May God, and all of the STDs, be with you. Satan, you want to attack my mental, spiritual, emotional, and physical health? Go ahead. You want to attack my marriage, and my husband’s career? Jerrad is spiritually meaner than I am! So, go ahead. Fight me.

When I think about the procedure that is about to happen, it is very easy to see how it compares to my mental and spiritual health. It feels spiritually cheesy, but…just like they are going to go in and clean out the clot, I can feel God cleaning out all of the emotional junk. When they do the ultrasound to find the culprit, I can see how that is a parallel (look at my math words, Mom!) to God continuously searching, and knowing, me. Right before I left OH, a ‘pastor’ told me that he ‘hoped’ Oklahoma was good for me, but when it wasn’t, he ‘hoped I’d take a hard look at myself…’ Well, Sir, I have taken a hard look at myself. And I have found that from the time I was involved with your reign of terror in 2019, until now, I have been in ‘survival’ mode. I’ve been moving from one thing, to the next, just hoping it doesn’t all come crashing down on me. But, during my six day hospital stay, God made it very clear that it is time to leave survival mode, and move into ‘thrival’ mode. I am ready to live my life fully. I’m not afraid of what might be thrown at me. I’m not afraid of living out the call God has put on me. It’s time to live. It’s time to thrive. So, fight me.