Marriage is really hard. Like, it’s really hard to figure out how to tell the person you love that they snore like ten chainsaws going off at once. It’s hard to pick your battles, when you want to win all of them. It’s hard to be nice before coffee, and even after, sometimes. It’s hard to not eat ALL of the bags of chips sitting on the counter, and leave him with leftover noodles! It’s hard! It’s new! It’s a weird adjustment to my once simple life!
I used to be able to live in my mess, and not care. Now I care because I don’t want him to know I’m actually a slob. I never used to put my clothes away. Now, I can’t find them because they are put away in my closet. Seriously, who actually uses their closet?? Weird. I hate vacuuming! Now, I do it at least twice a week, or cat litter will take over my living room. I used to eat whenever, however, I wanted to. Now, I make meals and pack lunches. And I yell at him when he’s six minutes late for dinner because he was hanging out with Boyfriend #2. Yes, I call his friends ‘boyfriend’, and they have numbers based on how much I like them. It is what it is. Also, I make the bed daily. Who makes their bed daily?? Don’t worry. I don’t make it well. It’s more of a 3/4th’s heart attempt. My point is…when you get married, you find yourself doing things that you never thought you would do…like, ever. And it’s hard! It’s hard because it isn’t natural. It isn’t how you would normally do things. But you do them because there’s a person in your life that you would do literally anything for to make them happy. And, eventually, those things that feel unnatural, become natural. They become your new normal. I’m still waiting for that feeling, but I’m sure it’s coming!
Marriage is hard. Marriage is REALLY hard! Honestly, it’s not just adjusting to a new way of doing things that’s hard. It’s believing that this is really and truly my life that is hard. Believing that this isn’t going to stop being my life is hard. Not because the world is a negative place and divorce is more common than marriage, but because it’s hard to believe that something this good is my life. I know that sounds so pessimistic, but I’m serious! How is my life this good? How am I this blessed? I seriously don’t believe it. There is a part of my brain that is convinced this is fake, and another part that tells me daily that I’m going to screw this up. I’m going to break this really good thing that I have, and it’s going to be ruined for forever.
I think it is because so many people told me that I would never be ready for marriage. I was told that I would never be mature enough, godly enough, or thin enough for marriage. Yes, apparently ‘thin enough’ is a thing for some people. And people really tried to discourage me from marrying Jerrad. People told me he wouldn’t choose me over his family. That I was an outsider, and not good enough to be his wife. And it’s those voices that try to convince me that this isn’t going to last. That I’m incapable of love, and of being loved. But I read a devotional today that has given me a mind reset. This devotional talked about hope. Hope in Christ, and hope for marriage. I heard a message from a pastor once, who defined hope as ‘A picture of a preferred future’. It’s been a few years, so that might not be word for word, but I think it’s close. So, if I picture in my head, a future with Jerrad as my husband and Christ as the center of that marriage, and that is the picture that I hold onto, the voices get a little quieter. If I keep that picture at the forefront of my mind, and I do the work, the voices get even quieter. If I take the time to put Christ first in my life, and I believe what Christ has said about me rather than what the voices have said, then the voices might as well be silent.
It’s hard! It isn’t easy to choose this. It’s better, and it makes my marriage better. It causes fewer fights because I’m not constantly looking for something to be wrong. But it’s hard because it isn’t natural. It is much more natural to believe the negative, rather than believe that my husband loves and chooses me daily. But, just like putting my clothes away, if I do it consistently, it will become natural. And the song from ‘Annie Get Your Gun’ will become my life. And, if it doesn’t, I guess I can always become a trick shot. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Og_hAsXXDIA
The OK Adventures of Peppersloth and Annie 
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