The OK Adventures of Peppersloth and Annie

I told someone the other day that I didn’t feel like doing ‘happy writing’. I just wanted to do ‘angry writing’. She said ‘Do it!’ So, I am.

                I’m angry. Not just a small frustration that I will come out of, but full blown on angry. I am ‘punch the wall’ angry. I am ‘scream at the top of my lungs’ angry. I am ‘ugly cry’ angry. Breaking a knee cap is stupid, annoying, and unfair. There is no point to it, and I hate pointless things. That’s why I collect books, instead of stupid knick knacks. I hate knick knacks.

                I am usually the person who puts on a brave face and smiles through it. I’m not doing that this time. This sucks. This is stupid, and there is NOTHING positive about it. I am not interested in having a good attitude. I am not interested in ‘making the best of it’. No. Absolutely not. This is the stupidest thing that God has ever walked me through, and I will NOT be a willing participant. I fully intend to be a crabby patty the whole way through.

                I have to relearn everything. I have to relearn to stand, to sit, and to walk. I can’t just get up and go to the bathroom. Oh, no! It’s a full on process. And my comfy pooping position is gone! Do you know what it’s like to try to find a new comfy pooping position? STUPID! That’s what it is! It is STUPID! I haven’t had a real shower in a month. I change clothes once a week. My boyfriend is the kindest person ever and lies about how badly I smell.

                This anger is honestly a long time coming. I wasn’t mad when I had to leave a job I loved because I was being bullied by a hag three times my age and by a stuck up bitch who thought she ruled the world. I wasn’t mad when I left a church because a ‘pastor’ had manipulated and bullied me down to the point where I felt like nothing. And I wasn’t mad when the two people I trusted more than anyone else in the world turned out to be users, liars, and manipulators. I wasn’t mad when God told me I had to move to a desert state, instead of an ocean one. I wasn’t mad when the only job I could get was one that I was physically unqualified for. I wasn’t mad when the school year turned into a nightmare and I had to get creative about my employment situation. And I wasn’t mad when I had to step up and pretend to be a lead teacher! Nope. None of those things made me mad. Now, I am pissed beyond words.

                I am so angry with God, I don’t care if he has a plan or not. I don’t. There is no part of me that wants to participate in whatever is coming next. God has continued to speak throughout the last three weeks. I keep saying, ‘I’m angry and I don’t care.’ Do you know what God’ response is?

                ‘That’s okay. Tell me when you’re ready.’

                That’s it. He isn’t annoyed with me for being angry. He isn’t punishing me, or telling me to get over it. He is saying to me the exact same thing that I say to my students when they need a minute. ‘Tell me when you’re ready.’ Even though I’m angry, there is a lot of peace in knowing that God is okay with it. It gives me a sense of freedom to know that I can deal with this when, and how, I want to. There’s no rush. It’s not like God’s going anywhere anytime soon. So, I’m going to continue being angry, until I’m ready to be okay again.