The OK Adventures of Peppersloth and Annie

Jesus stood up and said to her, ‘Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?’ John 8:10

                I have been thinking about my last post and the heaviness of it. Mostly, I think about what it is about 2019 that is keeping me from moving forward. Why is it that a year later, I still feel so stuck? I mentioned that memories, images, and voices replay over and over in my head in my last post. So, the feeling of reliving those horrible life-altering moments is very real. But it’s more than that.

                After Natalie died, I made the decision to go to therapy. I made the decision when I found myself wandering around the grocery store, unable to put things in my cart because I couldn’t remember what I liked to eat. It was a very scary feeling, especially for someone who has worked so hard to maintain my well-packed figure! I went for about six months, and it was very helpful to consistently have someone to talk to every week. Since moving out to Oklahoma, I have applied some of the practices of therapy to my life. I have done the letter thing, the forgiveness thing…I’ve done it all. I’ve prayed, I’ve read devotionals, talked to spiritual leaders that I trust…yet, I still feel this weight of heaviness.

                I do believe that there is a certain amount of grief that I came away with last year. And grief is something that only heals with time. Even then, there are always remnants left behind. But I am not satisfied with the idea of leaving all of this heaviness up to time. Did you see Sacha Baron Cohen’s portrayal of Time in ‘Alice Through the Looking Glass’? No WAY, am I going to leave my mental health in his hands! Nope. No, thank you. Love the movie, love the book, but hard pass. So, what is the answer? How do I deal? How do I work through all of this? How do I step through MY looking glass?

                In thinking about all of this, I started comparing my two church experiences. What was so different about them? Besides the fact that one is led by a tyrant, and the other is led by a Care Bear (I mean that in love, Pastor Jason!) So, what changed? What was it about Church in the Wild that got me to stay, when I never wanted to step inside a church again? Love. Church in the Wild went out of their way for me, but not because they wanted something from me. They did it just because. Their motto is ‘Friends, not friendly’, and they live that out. In the nine months that I was there, nothing was ever asked or demanded of me. There were no expectations put on me, or standards that I had to live up to. I told Pastor Jason that I slept over at my boyfriend’s house, and he didn’t even blink an eye! I shared my struggles with mental health in women’s small group, and instead of judging me and telling me what a horrible person I was, they LOVED me! A person they didn’t even know! There was no feeling of being controlled, or looked down upon. No one ever spoke to me in condescension, or tried to ‘correct’ my behavior. There was only love. And that is what I have found in Oklahoma as well.

                No one here knows me, or knows anything about me. But I have met some of the most amazing people here! People who open their doors, and their families to me! It has been a place of freedom and love. It has been totally refreshing! And I think that is the answer. I think the answer is shifting my focus to that feeling of freedom, and that feeling of love. It sounds hippy dippy, probably because I’m surrounded by weed…seriously, there is a dispensary and a doughnut shop on every corner…but I think this idea of refocusing is the answer. Refocusing on freedom, refocusing on love, and refocusing on what’s ahead. Onward, and upward. It might not be perfect, but it’s a step. And that will get me to the other side of the looking glass. That will get me to the other side of OK.