The OK Adventures of Peppersloth and Annie

When I tell people that I gave away 90% of my belongings, packed up my car with books, and moved to Oklahoma, the response I usually get is ‘You’re so brave!’ or ‘I’m so jealous!’ And I always want to tell them, no. I am not brave, and no one should be jealous of me. I made a choice to change my life because it was the only way to save it. The decision to move to a place I hadn’t been for 25 years, had nothing to do with bravery. It had to do with survival.

                This post is difficult to write because there were two saving graces of 2019: My family, and Church in the Wild. Part of me wishes they had been enough to keep me in Ohio, but after pulling myself out of three toxic situations, staying just wasn’t an option. But I am forever thankful for the love and support that I received, and continue to receive. This is also difficult because, even though it was a year ago, things still feel very fresh in my mind. The bullying, manipulation, and just unnecessary cruelness that was spat at me from people who were SUPPOSED to be professionals, spiritual leaders, and do-or-die friends pushed me to my breaking point. It pushed me to a place of darkness that a lot of people do not come out of alive. At the time, I didn’t think I would either.

                I know no one wants to hear that, and most people would say, ‘Don’t talk about your depression or battle with suicide!’ But, as someone who lost her best friend to suicide, I think it should ABSOLUTELY be talked about! I would give ANYTHING to go back four years and have this conversation with Natalie, if it meant she would still be here. I wish I could have forced her to talk about her battles, but everyone has to deal with it in their own way. While I don’t like her way, I think it saved me in my own battle.

                I’m not going to hash out the gruesome details of last year…a pastor who said I was the reason people were leaving the church, and ‘best friends’ who used and manipulated me to get what they wanted…yeah, I should let that go, right Amanda? Not worth holding onto…if you can’t hear the sarcasm, then you don’t know me very well. The art of ‘letting go’ (cue ‘Frozen’ music) has never come easy to me. Images and memories stick in my head and play over and over again, until I want to scream. I would love to live outside my head, but I’m just not that perfect. Must be nice. Again, if you can’t hear the sarcasm, I’m not sure what you’ve been doing all my life.

                By October of last year, I knew I HAD to do something, or I wasn’t going to be around to see 2020. I started looking for options, and that’s when God put Oklahoma in front of my face. It really was too perfect! Oklahoma, OK, Annie is OK, Annie Oakley…seriously, this place was MADE for me! I’m not sure why it took me 31 ½ years to figure it out! But I’m so glad I did, because it has LITERALLY been a lifesaver! Even on the days when nothing goes according to my plan, I would still take this over anything else.

                I should be more frustrated about not passing my tests, and not getting a teaching job this fall. It WAS a terrible blow to my self-esteem for sure. But this move has always been, and always will be, about survival. It was always about removing myself from an unbearable situation. I have always lived by the mantra, ‘If you don’t like it, change it’. I cannot stand it when people complain and do nothing about it. I could not live with my situation, so I changed it. Not because I was brave, not because I was adventurous, but because I wanted to be OK again. I made a choice to be okay.