The OK Adventures of Peppersloth and Annie

‘Help! I need somebody! Help! Not just anybody! Help! You know I need somebody! Help!’ (‘Help’, The Beatles, 1965)

                ‘You need help!’ This is a phrase that has been spoken to me more than once in my life. Most of the time, it has come from someone mocking my ridiculousness. Totally 100% fair because I’m VERY ridiculous. However, it has also been used as a manipulation tactic.

The first time someone tried this trick on me, it was by a pastor. And I believed him because I thought he cared about me. He didn’t. He cared about his college clique and his ego, which was beyond arrogant. He said it because I had upset someone in his clique, and I was no longer ‘falling in line’ or ‘being humble’.  Therefore, I ‘needed help’. He told me that I either needed to ‘fall in line’ or leave the church. I was naive, and I trusted him. He was my pastor. You’re supposed to be able to trust your pastor. Apparently, that is not always the case. Don’t worry. I left the church a few months later, and was then told that I was a ‘selfish ass.’

                The second person who did this was my boss’s wife. Once again, I wasn’t ‘falling in line’. The actual truth is that she was making ridiculous demands that were not part of my job description. I had finally had enough of it, so I had started giving push back. Therefore, I ‘needed help’. Fortunately, thanks to the pastor, I knew better than to believe her. I respectfully listened to her nonsense, left her office, and rolled my eyes. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. And shame on both of these people for thinking that they could use my struggles with mental illness against me.

                Mental illness is a very serious thing. It is something that a lot of people struggle with. I won’t try to give you actual statistics because they will be wrong. But it is widespread. And I am not naïve to my own struggles. Depression is very real for me. I take an anti-depressant, as well as Vitamin D. I write because it helps me process through the thoughts in my head. I have times when I become so overwhelmed, I turn my phone off and hide in my apartment until I feel like I can function again. Taking time to be outside, preferably near water, is important for me. This Wednesday is LAKE DAY, and I couldn’t be more excited! And when my benefits kick in at work, I will definitely be looking for a therapist. Oh, yes. I am very aware of my struggles, and I am very aware of the need to deal with them. I definitely do not need someone pointing them out to me. And to use them against me is cruel. To use them against anyone is cruel!  

                In 2017, my best friend took her own life. She lived five minutes down the road from me. I talked to her a few days before about getting house together. And then she was gone. I will never know what happened between those few days. I will spend my life wondering. I will wonder why she couldn’t say, ‘Annie, I’m not ok.’ It’s something that I have struggled with over the last few years. While I will never understand what happened, I am thankful for the time that I had with her. I’m thankful for her life, for the joy that she brought to the world with her smile, and for the amazing memories that I will carry for the rest of my life. To me, she was a brave soul. She lived with something that no one really knew about. People knew she had struggles, but no one knew how deep they went. Because she put on a brave smile for the world, and fought her demons, until she had no more fight left to give. For that, she is brave.

It takes a brave person to live this way. But it also takes a brave person to admit your struggles. It takes a brave person to be able to say to the world, ‘I’m not ok and I need help.’ Mental illness is messy. There is no ‘one size fits all’. What works for me, won’t work for someone else. Mental illness isn’t like a disease that can be cured. I will always struggle with depression. Sometimes, I will be ok, and other times I won’t. And when someone uses your mental struggles against you, it feels as if you’re failing. It feels as if all of the work you’ve put into your fight was for nothing. It feels very not ok. So, don’t do it. If you know someone has struggles, don’t use it against them. Don’t go out of your way to make them feel worse than they already do. Be kind. Be present. And be aware. You won’t cure someone of their struggles… but maybe you will help someone be more ok.